you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
