you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
