Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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