Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
