My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
A+ Viking dick
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
