Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
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hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless