omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
