I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
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Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
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I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.