How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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