I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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