Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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