she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
