i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
