i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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