the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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