I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
