I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
