Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
