I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
