Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
