woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
