I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
