Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
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Pants are for mortals
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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