i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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