I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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