Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
