Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
