Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
