Umm I'm too high to move.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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