chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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