if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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