Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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