I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
