The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
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I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
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Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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