I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
