I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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