I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
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Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
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There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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