i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
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