You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
