So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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