I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
