I swear she didn't look like that last week.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
