my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
