i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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