my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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