I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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