I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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