i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
