I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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