Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
