u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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