Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
