I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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