Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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