I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
