And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A+ Viking dick
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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